on how i was trying to create inner peace by exiling most of who i was

a personal essay on Internal Family Systems, inner conflict, and finally letting all of me belong 🪄

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00 :: case file

hi, i’m nikki and I have clinically diagnosed generalized anxiety disorder, and ADHD. i started therapy a year ago to help me better emotionally process and understand myself better. i shouldn’t be an enigma to myself, y’know?

but i was. i was confused why some days felt creative and upbeat and other days felt foggy and downbeat. sometimes i felt like i contradicted myself too often to have any sense of identity. out of all the different parts of me seeming to take turns running my life… who was supposed to be at the wheel? i held a lot of internal conflict about who i was.

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01 :: enter IFS

my therapist first brought up IFS in a practical way on October 2, 2025. i have an email from her when she emailed me an Internal Family Systems worksheet before our next session. at the time, i don’t think i understood it as a whole framework. i just saw some therapy language about “parts” and immediately struggled with it. looking back, it feels like my therapist was handing me a map for something i was already living inside of: inner conflict, self-rejection, perfectionism, over-functioning, creative fragmentation, and the exhausting belief that only one version of me was allowed to exist at a time.

my first reaction i struggled with rejecting the concept. i didn’t understand IFS, so I dismissed it… i didn’t want to have “parts.” i thought there should only be one version of me. noooo wonder i felt at war with myself!

i was trying to create inner peace by exiling most of who i was, treating consistency like healing and complexity like failure…. but I’m multi-faceted creatively, emotionally, aesthetically, spiritually, intellectually, and socially. so, trying to force myself into one single aesthetic made me hate myself… and i found myself radically transforming every 4 to 6 months just to feel free again. i didn’t understand it at the time, but eventually, living as one identity, some inner part of me would eventually start screaming out: “I cannot live in the dark forever.” IFS didn’t click at first because I thought it was asking me to admit I was divided, or crazy. now i think it was showing me i was already divided. the healthiest thing to do was let all of me belong.

the first concept that really clicked was the idea of inner conflict as parts trying to protect me. once i got past the rejection, it all made more sense. Managers made more sense because i could recognize the over-functioning, perfectionist, self-editing version of me, that tries to keep everything polished, controlled, useful, and safe. inner child parts also clicked because of my work with The Artist Way book that uses similar “inner artist” language, and so much of my creative recovery has been about returning to younger, abandoned versions of myself through drawing, journaling, play, whimsy, and picking up past creative identities.

concepts that felt weird at first were honestly the words themselves: parts, exiles, firefighters, self, inner system. they sounded too metaphorical before i had a personal relationship with them. “Exiles” sounded too abstract until I understood it as the vulnerable parts of me i had pushed away because they carried too much shame, fear, need, or grief. “Firefighters” felt strange until i saw them as emergency-response parts that try to numb, distract, scroll, spiral, shut down, or escape when something feels too overwhelming. even “Self” felt weird at first because it sounded like i was supposed to access some perfect healed version of me… when really it just means the steadier, more compassionate adult part of me that can listen without letting every fear become baseline.

the “Parts” language to me now means i don’t have to squish myself into 1 consistent personality box to be valid. it means the different emotional reactions, fashion aesthetics, hobbies, fears, creative impulses, identities, and emotional states inside me are not a random mish-mash of contradictions. instead, they are pieces of me with lore… jobs, needs, and protective instincts. a curiosity identity, as i also like to call my parts, is not an excuse, a diagnosis, or a separate person. it is my patterns, personified. instead of saying “i am a failure” or “i don’t know who i am,” i am allowed to say: “a part of me is scared i’m failing” or “different parts of me want different kinds of safety and freedom.” and that little bit of breathing room helps me stop becoming said emotion and start being able to listen to it.

IFS feels useful because it gives me a way to be honest with myself. it lets me look compassionately at my self-criticism, perfectionism, creative reinvention, procrastination, identity spirals, emotional shutdown, etc. and it helps me understand why i can crave visibility and also want to hide from being percieved. instead of asking, “why am I like this?” IFS helps me ask, “what part of me learned this was necessary?” and that feels softer and way more useful.

IFS solves a problem of self-abandonment disguised as self-improvement. IFS helped me understand why just being able to name patterns wasn’t always enough. the problem wasn’t that i didn’t know what i wanted. the problem was that multiple parts of me wanted different things for very real reasons. this therapy framework helped me stop choosing one part as the “real” me and exiling the rest… again and again. it granted me growth instead of constant reinvention.

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02 :: the moment everything clicked

i had the idea to draw my parts as character art from a favorite childhood show in the name of nostalgia and making the idea as a whole less abstract for me.

i was journaling post-therapy session when i had the idea. i had realized IFS could really help me, but i knew i was still struggling with the concept for whatever reason.

i didn’t really pick Fairly OddParents characters whose personality traits perfectly translate to my different inner parts. but i did pick characters whose art translated to the general visual vibe i wanted each part to give off! that was important for me.

the moment i personified my first part, my scarcity mindset/past self part… the part became real. i felt like i was really able to see her sitting at my table all of a sudden. the concept stabilized into something that worked for my brain. understanding and embodying the concept became easier once my “parts” and different identities had faces.

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03 :: profile: Icky Nikki

Identity

Icky Nikki i created, viewing her as a personification of my scarcity mindset past self. her drawn character is very much a teenage character, as she belongs to my teenage and young adult years, and can represent a varying range of time.

she is a manager protector, trying to stay 10 steps ahead of perceived disappointment. she’s the me who thinks: “if i can just figure it out, optimize it, fix it, anticipate it, explain it, prepare for it, or earn it… then maybe i’ll feel safe.”

Mission

her main job is to protect me from rejection, abandonment, failure, uncertainty, and feeling like a burden. she over explains because sh’e terrified of being misunderstood if she stops.

my manager protector part is protecting the part of me who ever felt like she had to earn love, and the part of me who learned to monitor everything. this part of me has a knack for surviving the worst sh*t, and reacts quickly.

this character’s blind spot is assuming danger is immediate, and impending. she’s still reacting to situations that have long faded into the past.

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04 :: profile: Duck Girl Nikki

Identity

Who is Duck Girl Nikki? Duck Girl Nikki represents my 32 year old self in her current form. She feels older and wiser than Icky Nikki, and has learned more lessons. Duck Girl Nikki is closest to Self, if i were to give her a part name. if Self is the me who can sit with all the other Nikki’s without trying to get rid of them… what that actually looks like is more giving everyone a turn to talk. the minion army doesn’t have to take over control, i basically just give ‘em all their own mini joyride or something. (i’m mixing metaphors lmao)

my current self believes safety should not have to be earned, it should be baseline. if somewhere (or someone) isn’t safe, they shouldn’t get my access. my current self believes belonging isn’t something you should have to force, with family or friends or otherwise… she’s not gonna keep ignoring her own intuition just to “play nice.”

Mission

Duck Girl feels different than just choosing one favorite version of myself to lead all the time. i’m actually giving my current self identity little short breaks from having to constantly be the one in control all the time. sometimes my inner selfs just needs to let their freak flags fly for a while while Self rests.

a lot has changed since i stopped treating some parts as enemies. now that everyone is valid in their own way, my internal conflict has eased. my jaw has unclenched. my headaches have faded. the internal war is ending! i think they call this healing. the therapy be working.. what a gift.

i encounter Duck Girl when i write my morning pages. when i walk around the lake. when i admire the ducks, or write bird newsletters, or draw unserious doodles, or go on an artist date. all i want from her is more of this peace of mind!

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05 :: field notes

i felt so much sticky resistance around IFS work when it was first introduced to me this year. everything felt too abstract until I literally visualized it, world built it, and stepped right on in. like it’s some Dungeons & Dragons campaign or something. turns out world building can still be fun even when it’s your own life… arguably maybe the most fun one to build. :)

creativity :: inspiration does NOT have to find me working. i love me some agency and productivity in life but inner parts work has taught me not everything has to be a project. sometimes things can just be play.

relationships :: i’ve learned-ish the person who i should be most reciprocal with… is myself. all standards and boundaries radiate from there, with myself as the gold standard. (easier said than done though.)

birding :: my latest neurodivergent fascination has re-introduced to me the joy of tiny observations, being a beginner, and having unserious hobbies again.

journaling :: i have re-introduced myself to myself through journaling. you can pry my diary from my cold dead hands :) you know what? let’s post my diary on the internet, even better. lmao.

if you’re waiting for me to land the plane… “the artist’s way” book gave me permission to play. “internal family systems” gave me permission to get curious about who wanted to play at the time.

honestly? i thought i struggled with loneliness, when i first went to my therapist and she introduced IFS to me. but now i realize i was just in the throes of inner conflict… now? i might need a bigger metaphorical table for all my wonderful many, many inner selves to sit at!

inner conflict who? loneliness who?
i feel grateful, abundant, and blessed as fucc. ♡

₊˚⊹♡ all of u is allowed to exist ♡⊹˚₊

(i mean it)

xoxo, nikki. 💕